Can BDSM Help Heal Trauma?
Through my own personal journey, and work I’ve experienced with clients, this is a question that I’ve pondered a lot. My short answer to this is that it depends. My hope in writing this is to break down some of these complexities and encourage play that can be fun, sexy, in addition to trauma informed. Please take a breath, grab a cup of tea, read at your own pace, and reach out for support as needed.
In the kink world there’s a well known saying: BDSM (Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism) should be safe, sane, and consensual. All three of these conditions speak to trauma informed play yet that’s not explicitly named, or really taught or known as prevalently as perhaps it should be.
When BDSM is truly safe, sane, and consensual (i.e trauma informed), I absolutely believe it has the power to help us heal trauma.
What is Trauma?
Trauma is an experience of threat that is too overwhelming for our nervous system to withstand. Animals in the wild will literally shake their bodies after escaping a traumatic situation. This allows the traumatic energy of the event to move through and not get stuck in their body.
As humans, many of us have lost touch with that ability in ourselves, so that when our nervous system does not have the opportunity to release that energy, trauma gets held in our physiology and a part of our present self gets stuck in the past, as if still living through the trauma.
In humans, trauma’s painful lasting effects are often a result of a lack of support and minimal capacity to regulate the nervous system in the aftermath of the event. All of us likely have been exposed to a traumatic event. How one integrates such an event does not define the strength or resiliency of that individual, but rather speaks to other life factors that influence the body’s capacity for healing. Previous trauma exposures, sources of support (familial, friendships, systemic, therapeutic, social, financial, spiritual), attachment style patterns (one’s capacity to take in care and support from others) all determine whether that trauma will have a negative lasting impression.
When past trauma remains unhealed, it may influence our experience in the present, such that real or perceived threats may activate a past trauma and lead to experiences of panic, anger, overwhelm, and dissociation or freeze (we’ll talk more about that). The amygdala, the part of our brain that manages trauma, is messy – it’s less concerned with accuracy, acting as quickly as possible to keep us safe, often using gross generalizations. For example- a person who was bit by a dog may end up fearing cats, bunnies, or even fur coats. The brain associates fur with “bad.” It’s not the smartest part of our brain- but again, it acts quickly to keep us safe.
Experiences like sexual abuse, emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, bullying, and many others tend to result in trauma, and often lead to such patterns of activation.
You may be gathering how confusing and complex the world of BDSM could be to someone who has experienced trauma.
What if I’m into BDSM because of Sexual Trauma that I Experienced?
Great! I do not believe this is a bad thing, and in fact, it is normal to eroticize such an experience. In a sexual trauma there are several systems at play. The nervous system likely was overloaded and may have gone into freeze or shut down. The attachment system is wired for connection and is the strongest – meaning you may have had a response of fawning or trying to please over anything else, particularly with a perpetrator who was someone close. And then there’s the reproductive system which may have had you turned on during the event. All of this is automatic – not in your control nor your fault. Instead of blaming and shaming sexual trauma survivors for being into kink, let’s bring more education and acceptance to this common phenomenon. Healing trauma does not necessarily mean that these desires will go away, but trauma informed kink may help us shift our relationships to them to one of choice, gentleness, and empowerment.
How Can Trauma-Informed Kink Heal Trauma?
A key element that was not present in a traumatic event was choice. Intentionally choosing to engage in play puts the control back in your hands. Along with choice, boundaries, embodiment, a safe trusting person(s) to play with, and appropriate aftercare can offer a corrective experience and actually create new neural pathways to rewire the brain toward health, connection, and presence.
Dissociation: Trauma Unseen
It’s so important to understand the nervous system “freeze” state when exploring the intersection of trauma and kink.
In a stressful situation or traumatic event, the nervous system can activate into a fight or flight response – which can include an increased heart rate, feeling hot, anxious, tight, fearful, and angry. If we are unable to fight back or run away and protect ourselves from the threat, the nervous system hits the breaks, and goes into collapse (freeze) – which is literally a death preparation state (animals will play dead as one last attempt at survival). Opioid like chemicals get released in this state to prepare for pain and we may experience ourselves leaving our bodies. This is all actually super helpful if we’re under attack and the threat is too big to do anything else. The dilemma for humans is that many of us can get stuck here and live ongoingly in this nervous system state. This state can range from mild dissociation that we all experience, such as driving and missing your exit – to chronic depression, numbness, lack of body awareness, living life going through the motions, etc.
In learning more about dissociation, you will see more the invisibility of this trauma-response. Often times dissociating is unseen; it is felt through distance between you and others; it can look like someone being “not really here;” sensations may feel confusing, cold, numb, tingly, and slow. In witnessing another in dissociation you may notice a lack of facial tones, hesitancy, disorganized speech, and overall distance.
While freeze may sometimes look like nothing is going on, what you are seeing is actually a very overwhelmed nervous system. And adding more intensity to an already overwhelmed nervous system may not be the best idea, and can, in fact, retraumatize someone. This makes it really important to become familiar with this state and to be able to know the signs in play with yourself and others so as not to potentially cause harm.
Dissociation exists to keep you safe. If you think you may be playing while experiencing dissociation (which is very common and not inherently a problem), I’d invite you to become familiar with how this state lives in your system with kindness and care. Often dissociation will dissipate on its own when things are slowed down, attention is brought to the experience, and safety is re-established.
Reenactment, Retraumatization, and Solution
We humans are wired to seek solutions. This is why we may end up in similar situations over and over again, in an unconscious attempt to find resolution. Without the tools and awareness to do things differently, these situations can end up recreating the original situation or trauma- which can end up reenforcing the pattern.
I want to be very clear that I’m not blaming victims for experiencing repeated trauma. This is all to say that it is common for people with trauma in their history to have dissociated parts in their nervous system which cause a disruption to their overall embodiment. This disruption may show up as lack of trust in one’s body (not listening to your gut, losing your voice, missing warning signs), which may, tragically, end up inadvertently recreating potentially painful situations.
It’s important to include how reenactment and retraumatization can and do occur within a kink space, and specifically how we can also integrate solution onto the pillars of: safety, sanity, and consent.
The Problem with Catharsis in an Overwhelmed Nervous System
I personally have really enjoyed cathartic kink scenes. As a bottom and top, it can bring me to a place of aliveness and release of endorphins. I also have had a lot of dissociation in my system. And for someone who’s experienced a lot of dissociation and numbness, there’s nothing better than getting to feel alive. From a nervous system perspective, though, the intensity of a cathartic release, or going from a nervous system low state (parasympathetic) to a high state (sympathetic) and back down again can reinforce a pattern of needing that high to feel ok. It may feel great after, but I would not say that is necessarily healing trauma, and can in fact deepen someone into dysregulation. What could help is building up to that high more slowly in a titrated way – supporting connection, safety, and embodiment.
You actually can develop tools to bring in awareness and embodiment without stopping what you’re doing
Trauma informed play is everyone’s responsibility – whether you’re the top or bottom and whether you have trauma in your history or care about someone who does.
What Does Trauma Informed Kink Look Like?
Here are 4 basic principles you can adopt to encourage trauma informed play:
Relationships Rule.
Secure, safe, and trusting relationships heal. Be someone who communicates, who checks in before, during, and after a scene, who follows up the next day to see how your partner is doing, and someone who apologizes when you make a mistake. All of these practices go such a long way. Even when you assume someone may not need it, sometimes they may be the ones who need it most. In a trauma where there was a perpetrator or even a bystander(s), the victim lacked relational trust and safety. You could actually support someone in having a corrective experience, and rewiring the brain toward connection and healing.
Touch and Go.
One of the healthiest things we can do for our nervous system is to practice titration. This means going back and forth between challenging and more resourced states. This will help with the cathartic nervous system overwhelm and help to avoid sending us into further dissociation. Titration could look like starting slow and gentle, moving up to slightly more intensity, coming back to more gentle, and continuing in this back and forth way. You still can have that cathartic release if that’s what you want, but I’d like to challenge you to include some of these titrations and see what that does.
The Body is the Boss.
Embodiment is the opposite of dissociation. Embodiment is present and connected to self. Again, it can be hard to tell if you or someone else is embodied. Ask yourself or your partner questions to check in about this. Can I use my voice right now if I wanted to? What does my body feel like? What about my feet? Chest? Breath? Can I say no if I want to? Do I feel like I need to push myself further? Do I feel safe? Can I make eye contact? Can I take in this pleasure? The answers to these questions can give a clue to the degree of presence someone is experiencing. If you suspect dissociation, back up some and practice titration and come back into connection with your play partner (for example through eye contact, slow touch, sharing about your experience). It’s ok, powerful, and healthy to slow down or stop a scene – and really beneficial for trauma healing to practice this intentional way.
Boundaried Bound.
A secure container where limits are known and honored is a must for all, and especially for people with trauma. People with trauma often have experienced betrayal by others through boundary crossing, and further self-betrayal through repeated boundary crossing. Negotiate boundaries before play and stick to them. You may feel that it’s no big deal to renegotiate mid-scene when you’re both becoming more comfortable – but this may trigger a situation where someone says yes when they actually mean no, but don’t have the voice or awareness to know something is off and may regret it later. Kink scenes can produce a euphoric high where judgment can become more loose – therefore, negotiate intentions and boundaries prior to play. You can always check in after completion and sobering up to renegotiate boundaries.
You Can Integrate Trauma Informed BDSM into Healing
Regardless of where you are on your journey, practicing kink with a trauma informed lens can actually aid in healing. If you’ve read this and realize you may have trauma in your system, that’s really good news! Bringing awareness to the parts of us that are dissociated or have been unconscious is where healing can begin. I am not suggesting you stop engaging with kink if you or your partner(s) have experienced trauma. Rather, I am encouraging you to see how you can integrate trauma informed safety, sanity, and consent into your practice. I encourage you to celebrate the ways that adaptation has kept you and others alive. I encourage you to inquire when “nothing” could be “something.” I encourage you to feel your own aliveness through a trauma-informed safe space. It is with deep, genuine hopes that you are able to feel communal responsibility wherein relationships rule, where there can be touch and go, where your body is the boss, and where you and others are boundary bound. Please remember how wonderfully powerful and resilient you and your body are.
*If you have experienced trauma and have concerns about play, please reach out to the support of a therapist to determine if it makes sense for you in this particular time in your life. This writing was designed to be an introduction to trauma and how to play with awareness, not to suggest if BDSM is right for you. For additional reading on trauma, check out Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine and The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk.