I hear it over and over again from clients, friends, and even my own inner voice: “why is it so hard to love myself?” There seems to be a message out there that for anyone else to love us, we have to love ourselves first. While I think this message is flawed (allowing another to see and love us can be a beautiful teacher in self-love), I also think it is worth exploring self-love as a deep, lifelong practice.
Recently, my sister sent me a video of my four-year-old niece dancing alone in her room, naked in front of a mirror. She was laughing, smiling, exuding so much joy. When she realized her mom was there filming her, she smiled and went right back to her shameless expression of self-love. Maybe my niece was experiencing that dance for the first time and celebrating the newness of her body. These days for me, the newness of my body is finding my latest grey hair. Seeing that little girl inspired me to check in with my inner four-year-old—why don’t I experience that much spontaneous joy with myself?
What does it actually mean to fall in love with yourself?
Well, let’s talk about what it means to fall in love. Typically in a romantic setting, falling in love is a process of the brain getting flooded with all the feel-good chemicals. High levels of dopamine are released and activate the reward system to produce a similar euphoria associated with alcohol and cocaine. Oxytocin is released during sex and skin-to-skin contact, encouraging new feelings of attachment and bonding. Vasopressin is linked to behavior that produces long-term bonding. The stress hormone Cortisol gets released in the early phases, which causes serotonin to lessen and intensifies all of the intrusive obsessive thinking associated with falling in love.
To sum it up—falling in love can be an extremely pleasurable high with really stressful lows. Being in love is, without a doubt, my favorite high. But after a year or two, the chemical roller coaster begins to fade, and what was once passionate love has an opportunity to turn to compassionate love.
Couples come to me looking for support to get their spark back. I start by reassuring them that there is nothing wrong with them for missing that early passion, but when not motivated by the chemical concoction they had before, there needs to be intention and effort.
If passion fades for couples without keeping the spark alive, how can we expect it to effortlessly be there for ourselves in this lifelong love affair?
While we may not have the same chemical overload with ourselves, I do believe we can cultivate deep compassionate self-love and, with intention and effort, even bring back the passion that our inner child perhaps once felt.
Self Love is a Practice
For a moment, take an inventory of your current life and practice of self-love. This, of course, may look different for everyone. While eating well, getting enough sleep, going to the gym, and being kind toward yourself are excellent ways to deepen into self-love, they may not be cultivating the same awe and inspiration that comes from a more passionate self-love (but with a certain intention, they definitely can be!)
Just as I would coach a couple looking to bring the spark to their relationship, I’d say the same to myself and you, looking to deepen intimacy with our life-long lovers: We actually have to make an effort. Set the time aside to be with yourself. In Tantra, there’s an idea that I adore, the idea of seeing the divine in your lover. You worship them as if they are God (divine, spirit, mother earth, Jedi, whatever) themselves. Imagine your dream lover was coming over. How would you prepare your space? Your energy and body? What food would you prepare? The energy behind that—which is our erotic, life force energy—is exactly what I’d like to invite you to turn toward yourself. The divine you witness in another also lives inside of you. We spend so much time with ourselves that we may forget to see it.
Make a date night with yourself, just because. Some ideas: enjoy a meal, read poetry, erotica, take a bubble bath, listen to music, dance, watch a movie, take the time to self-pleasure/make love to yourself, turn off your phone for the evening. While it may be easier for some to access this time and space away from responsibilities, it also does not have to be a big deal. These ideas can be brought into our daily lives. So many of us spend our days orienting to other people’s needs that this idea may feel like an inaccessible luxury. I see it as a necessity—the more we can turn toward ourselves and offer acts of self-love, the more we’ll feel available for others in our lives.
Intention, ritual, beauty, and small acts of passionate self-love…
What if every day you found one way to honor yourself as your own lover? It could simply be starting the day with focusing on what you’re grateful for about yourself; looking in the mirror and admiring one thing you love about your body; going for a slow walk in nature while taking in the beauty; buying yourself flowers or a decadent treat, just because.. Maybe it’s listening to a favorite song that inspires self-love (Lizzo lately has been my saving grace).
When the Dali Lama first started teaching in the United States, he was asked by a student what to do about self-hatred. He was confused, self-hatred was not a concept that made any sense. We are not made to hate ourselves, but we are taught to hate ourselves. We can also teach ourselves to not only compassionately love ourselves but to prioritize a practice of radical passionate love.
I may not get it every time, but I am committed to keep on cultivating and coming back to the passionately loving and curious four-year-old inside of me. I encourage you to turn toward your inner lover in whatever way that resonates for you and celebrate the divine beautiful being that you undoubtedly are.